Thursday, December 12, 2013

a leash.

i do not know what the following feels like: to live a life that is easy and uneventful, to live a life filled with pain and suffering only, to live a life that is utter happiness. in my case, i am usually wedged in between the very bright highs and the very dark lows.

the highs and the lows of my life do not refer to my moods or my feelings, but to concrete life events. some of them extraordinary, to be dreamed of, some, on the other hand, scorching with pain.

the only way to keep some kind of balance and stability in such a position is to step back at times from both the good and the tragic facts of my life. to watch the things unfold as if taking place on a theatre stage. to get away from the burning heart of happiness and of suffering. to cast a gaze over my shoulder to the distant hills.

sometimes i take this vulnerable soul of mine on a leash and walk it in the streets of stockholm like a dog. nobody sees it, it leaves no paw prints, it does not pee or poop. it just weeps inside, and when the tears clear the chest and the nasal passages, i put it back into myself and head home.

i do not think i am able to choose which frame of life i would like to fit myself into. it is more likely that the frame of life chooses us. if i could, though, it is the easy&uneventful that sounds so enticing. yearning for it. but then again, i would find a reason to complain about it. nearly everybody does. so, it seems there is no other option but to pigeonhole ourselves into the appointed niches. and take a step back when the going gets tough.