Tuesday, May 12, 2015

'the heart of the wound'

scott stosell mentions the phrase 'the heart of the wound' in his book 'my age of anxiety'. a therapist told him that the thing that makes him cry when brought up, not necessarily a thing that would normally cause one to cry, hides deep wounds that are still unresolved, and that should be explored.

i myself am not easily moved to tears, but i also have a wound with a heart that makes me cry, particularly when i am in dire circumstances. over a month ago i had my fifth serious surgery caused by vhl, and the post-op period is always challenging in many ways. emotionally, the same pattern has repeated every time i recovered from an operation. many current things in my life seem to go out of focus - my family and friends, my work, apartment, country. i am not even emotional about the physical difficulties of going through recuperation, or the uncertainties about the outcome of the surgery. the only thing that remains in my emotional range and comes to life is the region where i was born - dalmatia: my earliest childhood, the people who loved me, the music played on the radio, the sound of the words, the light of the sun, the colour of the water. and deep tears start to gush.

i think the reason for this wound is that a strong desire to be in my homeland remained unfulfilled throughout my life. until i was three i lived there permanently, but then i moved to another country, then yet another. growing up, i would spend summer and winter holidays in croatia, but i never went to school there, which i had dreamed of, or worked there, or had a more permanent formal connection with my home country. there are no compunctions now for me to move there, but i doubt that would stop my tears. life took me elsewhere, and there is no easy cure for my wound. maybe i don't even want it to heal. maybe i want the tears to keep me in touch with the region of my birth and with the source of so much warmth and strength coming from there.